Please forgive my absence last week, travelling through Borneo left me exhausted, but I am back this week writing about choices and choosing to write.
Come sit with me and my ice cold caramel macchiato for here on the equator its Christmas without snow.
Today I am going to write about making choices. I read that we make almost up to 5000 choices in a day. I ponder over this because I know I have choice points, a point in my decision that is going to affect another person with the route I take. None of my choices are really just exclusive to me; they involve and also belong to others I live with in intimacy and in public. My choice point everyday affects and includes the people most important to me. So I often stop myself and ask if I have permission to proceed? How will my choice point affect them?
My advice is to put action into your choice point, making a choice means sticking with it. Have a plan and stick with it even when you get distracted. Don’t let meaningless distraction keep you from fully embracing a feeling or situation or your passion.
When I was grieving for my son, I let distraction govern my day, I thought if I was aimlessly busy I would cope better, but I was wrong. Allowing the distractions to become the meaningful part of my life stopped me from sitting in my grief for the time that I should have taken. I put other people’s needs and wants before mine, keeping others happy was my goal and I lost a part of myself when people moved away and I had to start from the beginning, grieving in a place I should have just sat with myself.
I should have sat with myself and wrote about my pain. But I ignored my writing because it became too painful to put into words what I was feeling, while trying to manage so many other expectations. I chose to abandon my true love, the written word that had power to heal and lift me up. My heart was in a vulnerable place, longing to comfort when I should have been comforted. My heart forgave, my head compromised, I was exhausted from trying to prove myself continuously to everyone else.
When I stopped writing for a period of time, it seemed like my heart was overburdened and I pushed people away, wrong choice point here! I pushed away the people who really cared while I kept busy with frivolity. When I chose to write again the burdens lessened, the pain was shared and in sharing love overcame sadness.
But my passion for writing never really died, it was always there, waiting to be picked up again, like a lover that waits patiently for me, after I have been through all the sorrow and washed my soul clear again, he was ready to be loved again.
My mission if I choose to accept it is to find peace with exactly who I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop the incessant worrying that I cannot be loved as I am – Anais Nin –
I am learning that I can be loved. My flaws, sorrow and all makes me the writer I am, and I am able to process both joy and pain. And chose to write about it and not just let it fester like an open wound on my heart. I am learning to make better choice points. And with that reclaim peace and balance in my heart and those around me too.
A good friend Davy D said in one of his comments recently. He said “An old mentor once told me Gina, that learning was the key to life and how right they were. I think as we get older we become more curious.” I believe this so true and we need to learn more as we age for the things of the past don’t make us who we truly are, they are just mistakes of the body, our hearts are learning new ways of living generously.
Hope & Love